Avoid Getting Sucked In… And Sucked Dry

What is it with people lately?

Browbeating, bashing, and bullyragging. Flames, stains, and blames. Put downs, let downs and showdowns. On forums, blogs, and social networking sites.

Sure, I understand people are fed up with scam artists and snake oil salesmen. And sure, I also believe we need firebrands and rebels. Each one helps to keep the other side in line.

I love good debates. They’re not only intellectually stimulating, but also they help instigate change, or give others the impetus on how to deal with it. I always love a good argument, when that argument is based on fact and substance.

But lately, some of them are really getting out of hand.

I’m seeing people being snarky at best, and being outright abusive with name-calling at worst. (I can just see hungry lawyers rubbing their hands together, as they get ready to pounce on the growing potential for new slander, libel and character defamation suits.)

It’s sad that a few bad apples are rotting the basket. But what’s worse than coping with those annoying whiners is dealing with the undue — let alone undeserving — stress they cause in their wake.

Rather than remaining logical, factual and objective, they tend to paint entire industries with the same, broad, brown-colored brushstrokes, and expect the other side to sit idly by, or, better yet, to react and defend themselves (feeding their own egocentric need for confrontation, thinking that by doing so, they appear more than mere vigilantes but as heroes).

I agree that people are leery and getting fed up. And that’s understandable. But using the same tactics they condemn to lambaste (or even worse, intimidate) others is getting bloody ridiculous.

I believe they often do so to justify their own inadequacies and failures.

These people are vampires. They suck your energy, your time, your money, and the most important of all, especially if you’re a copywriter like me, your creativity.

Rather than learning a thing or two, they take great pride in voicing their opinions — not in the hope that their voices are heard and lead to change, but that they are glorified for taking a stance, or at least suck people into their ego-feeding frenzy, not only to look good but also to feel better about themselves.

And that’s just as deceptive.

They’re not only robbing the people they manage to get involved in their mudslinging fest. They are also robbing themselves. And the worst part is, they know it. But they don’t care.

Passion is powerful. It can create multi-million dollar businesses. It can move nations. It can change the world. Especially when that passion was ignited by a catalytic event. (And being fed up can be a catalyst in itself.)

But misdirected passion can also cause stress. It can cause undue harm. It can even cause wars. And it can, of course, cause death.

That’s why I’m a firm believer that passion is powerful. But guided by principle, meaning when you can focus and steer that passion in the proper direction, your passion can become a force of good that benefits the lives of so many people.

Including your own.

Archimedes said, “Give me a lever big enough and I can move the world.” But that alone is not enough. Hitler had his lever — whether it was his charisma or his army — but look what his passion accomplished.

Don’t be a passionate person. Be a person of “principled passion.”

As they say in the sales industry, people who put the competition down and say negative things about them do so because they have nothing good to say about their own products.

(And people can see this from miles away.)

It only makes you look bad — not the other party you intend to harm.

I think it’s the same in all things. When you have nothing positive or nothing of substance to bring to the table, and all you do is put others down — or worse yet, using them as excuses for not doing well — then it only makes you look bad, not the object of your ire.

As a writer, passion has been a critical element. I’ve used it as a powerful tool to write some of the most successful pieces of copy I’ve ever written. But stress can also be a killer — whether it’s a killer of ambition, a killer of creativity, or, in some cases, a killer, period.

Misdirected passion can become quite stressful on yourself. But dealing with bullies and provocateurs can be equally damaging. The energy and labor-intense work it takes to deal with these people — and the destruction they leave in their wake — can be incredibly exhausting.

And on a writer, it can kill a career.

Matthew Stibbe’s Bad Language Blog is a blog on writing, which I follow religiously. Recently, he posted ways to bust stress. I love them. But throughout my own career, I have a few stressbusters of my own. Let me share with you some of mine:

1) Leave sleeping dogs lie.

Let pissing matches put out their own flames by themselves. Often, when wars go on around you, whether it’s in a forum or on a blog, or anywhere else, trying to put your foot in can give either party an opportunity to grab it and drag you in.

Trying not to join in a destructive argument is tough enough, but it surely is easier than trying to win one. Because its sole purpose is to destroy! It only serves to feed the confrontational goal of the people involved.

Here’s how to win in an argument. Don’t get sucked in one. I believe that the arguments you win are most often the ones you don’t join. Because your non-response, and your ability to self-control, will say spades about you, your position and, above all, your integrity.

Eventually, they will die, anyway — and you, on the other hand, as well as your integrity let alone your reputation, will stay alive.

2) Take a breather.

Or two. Or three. Sleep on it. Count to 1,000. Count to 1,000 backwards. Really, this works. We often react in situations, yet fail to act. Action is the best stress-buster there is. But reaction is the greatest stress-booster there is, too.

People want to push your hot buttons, fire up your hormones and get you all riled up. And when you react, you’re basically letting them know that their ploy worked. Why not take a few steps back, let it simmer for a bit, and then act?

In copywriting (and even in selling), they say that people buy on emotion first, and justify their decision with logic. This is, unfortunately, true in all things, not just in commerce. People buy in the things they hear or read, and feel a need to respond.

Instead, let your emotions calm down. When in comes to arguments or dealing with bullies, buy first on logic, then back it up with emotion.

3) Know the difference.

Firebrands can sometimes be obnoxious people. But some people are obnoxious not specifically in a premeditated, malicious way, with the willful and egregious intent in trying to create pain and havoc. In my experience, most of them do the same thing — they are simply reacting, too.

Maybe they are the victims of a similar (or worse) situation in the past, and they’ve become “once bitten, twice shy.” Maybe they perceive the situation from a completely (and perhaps erroneously) different vantage point that you are not aware of or can never understand.

Maybe there’s a series of events, which may have festered over time, and then suddenly even the smallest thing can cause them to snap — or make snap judgments. Or simply, they may be having a bad day. Who knows? You don’t, and that’s the point.

4) Stay away from excuse chasers.

You know the ones: whining socialites, gossip-mongers and buck-passers. Some things are said in forums and blogs that are pure junk. They are meant to stir up controversy. They are used as linkbait. But worst of all, they are used as excuses.

Brian Tracy says to beware of “psychosclerosis,” the “hardening of the attitudes.” Well, “forumitis,” or inflammation of the forums, is a common and nasty disease on the Internet, too.

You may make money with forums, but you don’t make money in one (or worse still, wasting time fighting in one). Forums can unsuspectingly steal precious time and energy from you.

While some forums are helpful, they also attract a lot of junk — whiners, complainers, guru bashers, and people who either seek trouble or stir up trouble in them as a way to create excuses.

Excuses for doing poorly. Excuses for shifting blame away from themselves. Excuses for not taking responsibility for their own lives.

Avoid these people like the plague.

5) Loosen up.

Activity is one of the best de-stressors. Writing is a great way to let off steam, and I often write many posts, forum replies and articles, that never get published. Just writing them is a release in itself.

But I also mean any kind of physical activity. I’m a drummer in a band, and my music is a great way to “bang those drums” and take out my frustrations on some inanimate objects.

Go for a walk or a jog. Have a nice long bath. Have sex. Exercise. Watch a movie — or even better, go out to a movie theater, and have a dinner and a movie. And the best? Talk to someone who’s willing to listen. Just listen.

When you have someone who you can “download” on, without judging you, criticizing you or feel a need to jump in all the time, hold on to that person with dear life. I have found that someone. And I took my own advice: so I married her.

6) Do what you love.

I really enjoy my writing work and I have much less stress than in my previous career. The adage goes, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” And this is certainly true for me.

Owning and growing my business took away a lot of the stress in my life, which allowed me to make a lot more money — and have a lot more fun doing it, too. When I quit my job, I no longer had to deal with harassing coworkers, idiotic bosses, or abusive clients.

Sure, you’re still going to deal with dumbasses in business just as you would in a job. The difference is, you don’t have to put up with them to make money. You can choose who you want to work with. As “contrarian self-help” expert Larry Winget said, “When it quits being fun, then you ought to quit.”

In the end, all of this reminds me of a gem by Eleanor Roosevelt, who once said:

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

In fact, Larry Winget, who by the way is one of my favorite motivational speakers (he prefers to call himself the world’s only “irritational speaker”), says it best, which sums it all up beautifully.

About the Author

Michel Fortin is a direct response copywriter, author, speaker, consultant, and CEO of The Success Doctor, Inc. Visit his blog and signup free to get tested conversion strategies and response-boosting tips by email, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.michelfortin.com.

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Posted by Michel Fortin on February 9th, 2007. Filed in Articles, Psychology, Tips. Tagged as business, client, controversy, copywriter, Copywriting, love, money, networking, scam, Selling, success. Follow responses through the RSS feed. Leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

19 Replies to “Avoid Getting Sucked In… And Sucked Dry”

Comments

From Arun Agrawal

Michel

You bring up a very vital topic. I have seen this guru bashing on several forums where some successful person is being bashed around by people who have no claim to fame except that they are self-appointed upholders of the morality.

It is really difficult to talk about your competition with grace - and I have earned a lot of respect just for being able to do so. I have picked up a gem from your quote of Eleanor Roosevelt - much appreciated!
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Jonathan Gunson

Michel

You must have been hit by a king sized whiner to have sparked this rant.

Flamers, moaners, whiners - the net is rampant with them, but guess what? In the end it is all AIR. And they disappear like the wind.

But did you know that there is a secret to all this?

I will get to in a moment.

I had a huge forum that had over a million hits in the first month. I used to react like crazy to negative commentary.

The biggest online flame WAR I was involved with exploded when, with great fanfare I revealed the solution to my “Merlin” puzzle book. (350,000 copies sold).

Some of the folks had almost guessed it right, others had it completely wrong, were angry, and burst into flames when mercilessly teased by those who had it right.. Man did they go to town on each other on the forum. Law suits were threatened … blah blah … but in the end it was all AIR.

Nobody did anything.

Now here is the secret:

The problem with this written form of communication (exactly what I doing right now) is that it totally lacks any karma.

It is a terrible way to communicate.

How many times have you mistaken what the person REALLY means because you cannot see any body langauge , cannot hear a tone of voice. The normal indicators of good or evil are absent, so the slightest typo can be taken totally out of context.

This I see as a big problem for today - so many gadgets, so much texting, forums and chat, social communities… but no real COMMUNICATION.

But wait there is hope.

As broadband widens, and the moving image improves across the net, 3D transmission will become commonplace, better sound will be everywhere, the Karma of humanity will return, and (yes it WILL happen) gradually what we see will be very hard to distinguish from reality.

It is not far away. The virtual community. We will have our communication back again… and just maybe we really will have a global village.

Think of the sales communications!

Picture the global events!

Imagine the amazing ideas that will arise!

OK In am taking deep slow breaths now.

My best as always

Jonathan Gunson
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Gary Simpson

Hi Michel,

Wow. Who got to you? That was quite some vent.

I agree with Jonathan. Written text is so often misunderstood.

The nuances and inflexions that we read automatically in normal conversation are not present in written communication. Add to that the slight differences between countries and things can get REALLY lost in the translation - especially with slang. For example, a fanny in the US is REALLY different to the meaning over here in Oz - completely opposite sides of the anatomy, in fact.

When you talk, WHAT you say can be interpreted really differently if you are smiling or if you are scowling. People can even pick that up over the telephone.

I have found that if I am trying to crack a bit of a joke that a “LOL” slipped in makes that more obvious. We also have those dopey smiley things. I see you used a couple above. Personally, I don’t like them. Some people make an insulting remark and then put one of those after the insult. Pure cheese.

Regarding the term guru - WAY, WAY, WAY overused on the internet. Every second person is a so-called freaking GURU. I’m all gurued out by it.

Anyway, keep the chin up. After all, they’re only words. Two days later they are forgotten even if they remain on the net for all eternity - LOL (see what I mean?)

Regards

Gary

PS: And this is NOT trying to be critical. That saying by Archimedes, as I remember it, said: “Give me a lever long enough and a fulcrum strong enough and a place to stand and single-handedly I will raise the world.”

Now that has always puzzled me… especially since Archimedes was supposed to have lived BC and yet when sailing ships were invented, folks were worried that they were gonna fall off the edge of the earth. Maybe good old Archie was just WAY ahead of his time.
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Michel Fortin

@Gary:

Yup, I know what you mean. And no, it wasn’t some event. And yes, it’s only words. I know that, and in fact it was part of my lesson, here, too.

(And yes, even though I was only paraphrasing Archimedes, I agree he was way ahead of his time. Thank goodness he didn’t say “give me a soapbox big enough to stand on and a bullhorn big enough so that the world can hear me whine.”)
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Andrew Cavanagh

If you want to get deeply spiritual you could just remind yourself that between us on a spiritual level there is NO separation - we are one.

So when you get mad at someone or attack them at a fundamental level you’re only attacking yourself.

If you want a more tangible approach based around the physical world then you could look at the work of cognitive therapy and psychotherapy.

Any time you’re angry with someone you’re denying reality.

What do I mean by that?
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Michel Fortin

Here’s a great example of what I’m talking about, which in part inspired me to write this post…

http://searchengineland.com/070208-203153.php
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Andrew Cavanagh

If you want to get deeply spiritual you could just remind yourself that between us on a spiritual level there is NO separation - we are one.

So when you get mad at someone or attack them at a fundamental level you’re only attacking yourself.

If you want a more tangible approach based around the physical world then you could look at the work of cognitive therapy and psychotherapy.

Any time you’re angry with someone you’re denying reality.

What do I mean by that?

Anger and most negative emotions towards other people arise because you expect someone to act in a different way to the way they have acted.

Which is impossible.

They are exactly who they are and what they have done is what they have done.

That is reality.

So when you get angry you’re wishing they had acted differently - you’re emotions are being ruled by a fantasy - something that didn’t happen.

When you accept people exactly as they are, when you accept everything exactly as it is the anger dissipates.

That doesn’t mean you can’t endevour to change things for good or influence people’s behaviour but you will be much more powerful doing that if you accept.

In Dale Carnegie’s classic book “How To Win Friends And Influence People” the very first principle in the very first chapter is “don’t criticize, condemn or complain.”

Carnegie writes “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why the do what they do.”

Kindest regards,
Andrew Cavanagh
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Gary Simpson

Michel,

Out of curiousity I went to that link and read it through. That was pretty tame compared to some of the stuff that I have witnessed. In fact, very tame. When people start calling other people names and using profanity that’s when I slip out the back door.

What was that saying? “An exchange of ideas is called a discussion. An exchange of prejudices is called an argument?”

Anyway, like your Archimedes quote that was straight off the top of my head. I read it somewhere. Dunno who even said it. (That was reel good English, huh?)

Gary
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Jonathan Gunson

“Everyone likes to be equal . It is just that some want to be more equal than others.”

I don’t know where that quote comes from either Gary, but it might explain the sort of friction Michel refers to.

Jonathan

PS. The ’smiley’ is my skillful replacement for the Karma of communication.
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Gary Simpson

Howdy Jonathan,

Unless I’m mistaken I think that was penned by George Orwell.

I remember reading “Animal Farm” from school - yikes - THAT was a loooooong time ago now.

Gary
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Ryan Healy

Speaking of physical activity to stay loose, I’ve been going out at lunch time and breaking up ice. (In Denver, we’ve had snow and ice on the ground since Dec. 20.) In the summer, I go on walks to the park with my kids. If there aren’t many parents, I play too. Physical activity really helps to clear the mind.
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Joe

For someone supposedly anti-negative, there sure was a lot of name-calling in this post. IMO, some things are just better left alone, why dirty up one’s own site with this crap by inviting it in??? I just don’t see the logic in it.
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Mike Young

Great column.

Larry Winget’s “Shut Up, Stop Whining & Get A Life” is a must-read.

Now about your painting lawyers with “the same, broad, brown-colored brushstrokes”…
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Jonathan Gunson

I just took Michel’s advice and listened to the first audio on Larry Winget’s website.

http://www.larrywinget.com/

Don’t you (like me) just wish you had his gall, guts and chutzpah.

Tells it like it is. Very, very sobering - rather like emptying a bucket of cold water on fighting dogs.

Jonathan
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Author's Website February 9th, 2007
From Heart_Man

The American Institute of Stress and The Centers For Disease Control have both reported that up to 90% of all illnesses are due to stress. For many years I experienced several life threatening chronic illnesses. I found the Institute of HeartMath and discovered that all of these illnesses were due to stress and anxiety I had been experiencing in my life. Learning and practicing HeartMath’s scientifically substantiated tools and technologies literally saved my life. Additional information on HeartMath and how to prevent, manage and reverse the effects of stress and anxiety, in-the-moment, achieve better health, more energy, improved mental and emotional clarity, and improved performance and relationships can be found at http://www.emotionalmastery.com.
Reply http://www.emotionalmastery.com.’); return false;”>Quote

Author's Website February 10th, 2007
From Ken Calhoun

Great points — though there are many snakeoil gurus out there, in many industries, that surely Deserve to be lambasted publicly for their poor products, bad service and over-priced, overhyped offerings.

One thing I’ve found useful, which was advice my 3rd grade english teacher gave me, is “when you have the urge to write something negative, sometimes it’s best to write it, so you get it out of your system, but NOT to publish it”. So, writing it is still ok - but sometimes having the wisdom to not publish/send it, is often the best course of action.

And I’ve done that on many occasions, eg compose a forum post and then wisely hit the delete button Before it’s posted. The better part of wisdom, is knowing when to “go ahead and get it off your chest”, but not publish it in a public forum.

Ken
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Author's Website February 12th, 2007
From Dave Zan

About time somebody wrote about this in a blog.

Seriously, many problems in the real world can be avoided if one just tries to imagine themselves on the other side. At least they’ll have an idea, then it’s up to them if they still wanna make themselves a potential jacka**.

One of my dad’s friends (God bless his soul) gave me one of the most relevant pieces of advice I ever got: when in a potential argument, never lose your head. Nowadays that’s a tall order, but a necessary one nonetheless.

I hope others will catch his entry, Michel. Never mind if many of them will rant and rave whatever bull kaka they want, as long as they at least consider what you say.
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Author's Website February 13th, 2007
From Gary Simpson

Hey Dave Zan,

That was good advice. I liked it. Thanks for sharing those thoughts.

And Jonathan…

“… rather like emptying a bucket of cold water on fighting dogs.”

They don’t only have to be fighting - if you get my drift.

Gary
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Author's Website February 13th, 2007
From Bob Stovall

I caught this thread late. Is it just me, or have any of you noticed a general coarsening in people’s relations, especially with strangers? A small group of people seem to be meaner, coarser and LOUDER. Thankfully, we can focus our attention on the rest.

Bob
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Author's Website February 21st, 2007

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