When I spoke on stage in London, UK last summer, I met a really nice guy by the name of Patrizio Moi. We hit it off quite well, probably because we have something in common: music.

You see, this Italian-born entrepreneur is not only a brilliant guy with a lot of talent. Patrizio is also a recording professional and music producer, with his own recording studio and label.

His repertoire is quite extensive, too. He’s worked on or collaborated with some of the top recording artists in the world. (Andrea Bocelli is one of many, just to give you an example.)

This afternoon, Patrizio contacted me via MySpace and asked me a favor. He was about to send an email to his list, making a one-time offer promoting his demo recording service. (Demos are incredibly important in the music business, just so you know.)

I don’t normally offer free consulting. But…

… I thought that, with his permission, this would be a cool case study to post, here. Not only that, but Patrizio is a friend, and his request was really quite simple. He wanted me to give him some brief feedback on his email.

Taking the time to critique the entire email would have probably taken me more time than to simply rewrite it for him. (It only took me about 15 minutes.)

I’m reprinting this brief email copy makeover for you.

Here’s Patrizio’s message to me, word for word, without any changes or embellishments (and let me remind you that Patrizio is Italian, so his English is a little less polished):

Hi Michael,

I thought of you because I want to make a 1 time offer in my business and I’ve prepared an add to put.

I would love to get your opinion and few correction on my add, but only if you can.

I enclose it here, but if you don’t have time, I’ll understand, no probs.

Pat

P.S.: Do you think an header like this would be good? “One-time offer to record your demo”?

HERE IT IS:

Dear Singer,

If you are serious about your music you know that to have a professional demo is ESSENTIAL to be considered today in the music industry.

Most of the artists hope to get their record deal without investing in a proper recording studio.

I know that the problem for most artists is that they don’t have a huge budget to spend, and they keep struggling to get the attention they deserve.

Now’s your chance to record your professional demo, AT A FRACTION OF THE PRICE.

I’m Patrizio Moi and i’ve recorded with top worldwide producers, songwriters and artists.

I normally charge more than £[X]+VAT per demo and £[X]+VAT per records.

For the first and only time, I’M GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH ME AND RECORD 4 OF YOUR SONGS, AT ONLY £[X] and 10 OF YOUR SONGS AT ONLY £[X].

Only first 10 booking will be recorded with me, the others will be done with some of my affiliate producers.

I guarantee that the level is absolutely professional. You can easily check at www.moimusicgroup.com for my company’s information or at www.myspace.com/patriziomoi for my personal Biography and samples of my songs.

Book now, send us an email with the name of the songs you would like to record at
mydemo@yahoo.co.uk

Here was my answer to him, again about 15 minutes later…

“Patrizio, the opening statement is redundant because they are all serious — or should be. What they want is fame, money, fans, etc. Plus, many artists may be looking to get hired more often, not just recording deals.

“Also, you need to be more “sexy.” Give them a taste of what they get. Get them to feel your special offer, not just read it.

“So I’ve massaged your letter to this…”

Dear Singer,

Want more fans, more money, more gigs, perhaps even that lucrative recording deal that will take the world by storm?

A professional demo is ESSENTIAL to be considered today in the music industry. Whether you’re a professional artist, a freelance entertainer or an eager one in search of that elusive recording contract, without a demo they won’t even consider you.

Why? Because if you don’t have one, they’ll think you’re not serious, or wonder why you don’t believe in yourself enough.

Your demo is not just your resume. It’s your advert. It’s your foot in the door. And it’s also the key that can unlock the door to a thousands of opportunities waiting for you RIGHT NOW.

What can a demo do?

It not only shows off your talent. It can also attract hordes of eager fans, raise recording industry eyebrows, land that once-in-a-lifetime recording deal, or get you hired by MORE clients, MORE often and for MORE money. You name it!

A professionally recorded demo is also VERY expensive. I know.

Most artists hope to get their record deal without investing in a proper recording studio, which can cost them an arm and a leg. If you’re like most artists, you don’t have a huge budget to spend, and you keep struggling to get the attention you truly deserve.

Well, stuggle no more. Now’s your chance to record your very own, professionally recorded, high quality, jaw-dropping demo …

… AT A FRACTION OF THE PRICE.

My name is Patrizio Moi, and I’ve recorded with top worldwide producers, songwriters and artists. My work has been instrumental behind some of the biggest recording successes in Europe and around the world.

But you see, I know how it is to struggle. I’ve been there. That’s why I want to give you a CHANCE. I want to make it easier for you to unlock those amazing doors of opportunity.

Here’s how:

My professional fee is normally more than £[X] (+VAT) per demo (one song only), and £[X] (+VAT) per album. (And those are mimimums, since it depends on the work involved, including producing, recording, mixing, engineering and more.

For the first and only time (and for a very limited time), I’m making a unique and tantalizing offer for aspiring artists — no matter what your music genre or recording style is, whether it’s jazz or new age, or country music or hard rock.

Get your very own 4-song demo for only £[X]!

That’s right. You get not one, not two, but four songs professionally recorded and mixed, for just one-quarter of my normal, professional fee! That’s 75% off the regular price.

(In fact, if you want more, I can even do 10 songs for ONLY £[X]. That’s less than half the normal album rate!)

Is there a catch? Yes, unfortunately, there is.

This very special pricing is EXTREMELY limited. I can only allow 10 eager artists to work closely with me, because that’s all the time I have to personally invest.

This means that only the first 10 bookings will be accepted. The rest will be done with some of my affiliate producers. These openings are going to go fast! So you better hurry and book yours today.

I personally guarantee that your demo is professionally done, under my strict and close guidance, and with the same level of professionalism and quality I give some of my high-level clients.

Now’s your chance to blow people away with a powerful demo!

You can easily check at moimusicgroup.com for my company’s information or at www.myspace.com/patriziomoi for my personal biography, along with actual samples of my songs.

Book now, send an email with the name of the songs you would like to record at mailto:mydemo@yahoo.co.uk before it’s too late.

I look forward to working with you.

Sincerely,
Patrizio Moi
moimusicgroup.com

(By the way, Patrizio is based in London. So I used the word “advert,” above, because that’s how “ads” or “advertisements” are called in the UK.)

As for the subject line, here was my answer, in a subsequent message to him…

(Should you use that header?) No.

The header (i.e., subject line) is only to get them to start reading. Say something like:

“Are You a Struggling Artist Without a Demo?”

“Let Me Record Your Voice… “

Or…

“Yes, Your Very Own Professional Music Demo!”

Patrizio will be reporting the results back to me shortly. Hopefully, I will be able to post them here, in the comments section, once I get them. (I hope it works out for him.)

OK, time for a shameless self-plug:

If you want to see more of these “makeovers,” particularly on video, where I record myself going through the sales copy and dissecting it, word by word, and even rewrite it in some cases (just like that email, above), you might want to check out my private membership site.

There are over 50 hours of video waiting for you. But also, there are tons of articles (exclusive ones not posted publicly), split-test results, templates and checklists, scripts, and even audio interviews with some of the top copywriters in the world.

(I, too, am running a special offer right now. So I encourage you to check it out at TheCopyDoctor.com before I take it down.)

About the Author

Michel Fortin is a direct response copywriter, author, speaker, consultant, and CEO of The Success Doctor, Inc. Visit his blog and signup free to get tested conversion strategies and response-boosting tips by email, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go now to http://www.michelfortin.com.

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