Email Mini-Makeover Case Study

When I spoke on stage in Lon­don, UK last sum­mer, I met a really nice guy by the name of Patrizio Moi. We hit it off quite well, prob­a­bly because we have some­thing in com­mon: music.

You see, this Italian-​​born entre­pre­neur is not only a bril­liant guy with a lot of tal­ent. Patrizio is also a record­ing pro­fes­sional and music pro­ducer, with his own record­ing stu­dio and label.

His reper­toire is quite exten­sive, too. He’s worked on or col­lab­o­rated with some of the top record­ing artists in the world. (Andrea Bocelli is one of many, just to give you an example.)

This after­noon, Patrizio con­tacted me via MySpace and asked me a favor. He was about to send an email to his list, mak­ing a one-​​time offer pro­mot­ing his demo record­ing ser­vice. (Demos are incred­i­bly impor­tant in the music busi­ness, just so you know.)

I don’t nor­mally offer free con­sult­ing. But…

… I thought that, with his per­mis­sion, this would be a cool case study to post, here. Not only that, but Patrizio is a friend, and his request was really quite sim­ple. He wanted me to give him some brief feed­back on his email.

Tak­ing the time to cri­tique the entire email would have prob­a­bly taken me more time than to sim­ply rewrite it for him. (It only took me about 15 minutes.)

I’m reprint­ing this brief email copy makeover for you.

Here’s Patrizio’s mes­sage to me, word for word, with­out any changes or embell­ish­ments (and let me remind you that Patrizio is Ital­ian, so his Eng­lish is a lit­tle less polished):

Hi Michael,

I thought of you because I want to make a 1 time offer in my busi­ness and I’ve pre­pared an add to put.

I would love to get your opin­ion and few cor­rec­tion on my add, but only if you can.

I enclose it here, but if you don’t have time, I’ll under­stand, no probs.

Pat

P.S.: Do you think an header like this would be good? “One-​​time offer to record your demo”?

HERE IT IS:

Dear Singer,

If you are seri­ous about your music you know that to have a pro­fes­sional demo is ESSENTIAL to be con­sid­ered today in the music industry.

Most of the artists hope to get their record deal with­out invest­ing in a proper record­ing studio.

I know that the prob­lem for most artists is that they don’t have a huge bud­get to spend, and they keep strug­gling to get the atten­tion they deserve.

Now’s your chance to record your pro­fes­sional demo, AT A FRACTION OF THE PRICE.

I’m Patrizio Moi and i’ve recorded with top world­wide pro­duc­ers, song­writ­ers and artists.

I nor­mally charge more than £[X]+VAT per demo and £[X]+VAT per records.

For the first and only time, I’M GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH ME AND RECORD 4 OF YOUR SONGS, AT ONLY £[X] and 10 OF YOUR SONGS AT ONLY £[X].

Only first 10 book­ing will be recorded with me, the oth­ers will be done with some of my affil­i­ate producers.

I guar­an­tee that the level is absolutely pro­fes­sional. You can eas­ily check at www​.moimu​sic​group​.com for my company’s infor­ma­tion or at www​.myspace​.com/​p​a​t​r​i​z​i​o​moi for my per­sonal Biog­ra­phy and sam­ples of my songs.

Book now, send us an email with the name of the songs you would like to record at
mydemo@​yahoo.​co.​uk

Here was my answer to him, again about 15 min­utes later…

“Patrizio, the open­ing state­ment is redun­dant because they are all seri­ous — or should be. What they want is fame, money, fans, etc. Plus, many artists may be look­ing to get hired more often, not just record­ing deals.

“Also, you need to be more “sexy.” Give them a taste of what they get. Get them to feel your spe­cial offer, not just read it.

“So I’ve mas­saged your let­ter to this…”

Dear Singer,

Want more fans, more money, more gigs, per­haps even that lucra­tive record­ing deal that will take the world by storm?

A pro­fes­sional demo is ESSENTIAL to be con­sid­ered today in the music indus­try. Whether you’re a pro­fes­sional artist, a free­lance enter­tainer or an eager one in search of that elu­sive record­ing con­tract, with­out a demo they won’t even con­sider you.

Why? Because if you don’t have one, they’ll think you’re not seri­ous, or won­der why you don’t believe in your­self enough.

Your demo is not just your resume. It’s your advert. It’s your foot in the door. And it’s also the key that can unlock the door to a thou­sands of oppor­tu­ni­ties wait­ing for you RIGHT NOW.

What can a demo do?

It not only shows off your tal­ent. It can also attract hordes of eager fans, raise record­ing indus­try eye­brows, land that once-​​in-​​a-​​lifetime record­ing deal, or get you hired by MORE clients, MORE often and for MORE money. You name it!

A pro­fes­sion­ally recorded demo is also VERY expen­sive. I know.

Most artists hope to get their record deal with­out invest­ing in a proper record­ing stu­dio, which can cost them an arm and a leg. If you’re like most artists, you don’t have a huge bud­get to spend, and you keep strug­gling to get the atten­tion you truly deserve.

Well, stug­gle no more. Now’s your chance to record your very own, pro­fes­sion­ally recorded, high qual­ity, jaw-​​dropping demo …

… AT A FRACTION OF THE PRICE.

My name is Patrizio Moi, and I’ve recorded with top world­wide pro­duc­ers, song­writ­ers and artists. My work has been instru­men­tal behind some of the biggest record­ing suc­cesses in Europe and around the world.

But you see, I know how it is to strug­gle. I’ve been there. That’s why I want to give you a CHANCE. I want to make it eas­ier for you to unlock those amaz­ing doors of opportunity.

Here’s how:

My pro­fes­sional fee is nor­mally more than £[X] (+VAT) per demo (one song only), and £[X] (+VAT) per album. (And those are mim­i­mums, since it depends on the work involved, includ­ing pro­duc­ing, record­ing, mix­ing, engi­neer­ing and more.

For the first and only time (and for a very lim­ited time), I’m mak­ing a unique and tan­ta­liz­ing offer for aspir­ing artists — no mat­ter what your music genre or record­ing style is, whether it’s jazz or new age, or coun­try music or hard rock.

Get your very own 4-​​song demo for only £[X]!

That’s right. You get not one, not two, but four songs pro­fes­sion­ally recorded and mixed, for just one-​​quarter of my nor­mal, pro­fes­sional fee! That’s 75% off the reg­u­lar price.

(In fact, if you want more, I can even do 10 songs for ONLY £[X]. That’s less than half the nor­mal album rate!)

Is there a catch? Yes, unfor­tu­nately, there is.

This very spe­cial pric­ing is EXTREMELY lim­ited. I can only allow 10 eager artists to work closely with me, because that’s all the time I have to per­son­ally invest.

This means that only the first 10 book­ings will be accepted. The rest will be done with some of my affil­i­ate pro­duc­ers. These open­ings are going to go fast! So you bet­ter hurry and book yours today.

I per­son­ally guar­an­tee that your demo is pro­fes­sion­ally done, under my strict and close guid­ance, and with the same level of pro­fes­sion­al­ism and qual­ity I give some of my high-​​level clients.

Now’s your chance to blow peo­ple away with a pow­er­ful demo!

You can eas­ily check at moimu​sic​group​.com for my company’s infor­ma­tion or at www​.myspace​.com/​p​a​t​r​i​z​i​o​moi for my per­sonal biog­ra­phy, along with actual sam­ples of my songs.

Book now, send an email with the name of the songs you would like to record at mailto:mydemo@yahoo.co.uk before it’s too late.

I look for­ward to work­ing with you.

Sin­cerely,
Patrizio Moi
moimu​sic​group​.com

(By the way, Patrizio is based in Lon­don. So I used the word “advert,” above, because that’s how “ads” or “adver­tise­ments” are called in the UK.)

As for the sub­ject line, here was my answer, in a sub­se­quent mes­sage to him…

(Should you use that header?) No.

The header (i.e., sub­ject line) is only to get them to start read­ing. Say some­thing like:

“Are You a Strug­gling Artist With­out a Demo?”

“Let Me Record Your Voice… ”

Or…

“Yes, Your Very Own Pro­fes­sional Music Demo!“

Patrizio will be report­ing the results back to me shortly. Hope­fully, I will be able to post them here, in the com­ments sec­tion, once I get them. (I hope it works out for him.)

OK, time for a shame­less self-​​plug:

If you want to see more of these “makeovers,” par­tic­u­larly on video, where I record myself going through the sales copy and dis­sect­ing it, word by word, and even rewrite it in some cases (just like that email, above), you might want to check out my pri­vate mem­ber­ship site.

There are over 50 hours of video wait­ing for you. But also, there are tons of arti­cles (exclu­sive ones not posted pub­licly), split-​​test results, tem­plates and check­lists, scripts, and even audio inter­views with some of the top copy­writ­ers in the world.

(I, too, am run­ning a spe­cial offer right now. So I encour­age you to check it out at The​Copy​Doc​tor​.com before I take it down.)

About the Author

Last 5 Posts By Michel Fortin

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